He took one last look at what he had written. His palms were sweaty and his heart beat raced. He put the pen down and looked around. Nothing felt real anymore. He felt like he was being pulled back into reality. He realized that the effect of the drugs was wearing off. He had to act fast. He slowly got up from the chair and walked towards his closet. He looked back towards his last masterpiece. The one he was most proud of. So young, all of twenty two.
He slowly opened the closet and pulled out the books. His books. His masterpieces. First published at the age of seventeen and hailed as the next big thing. He opened the first and read the dedication, ‘to my parents, the mortals who helped me immortalize my dreams’. He smiled. The world had given him everything. He had seen it all and more. He travelled the world. Won awards. Won hearts. Dated a lot of girls. Had a lot of alcohol. Got high on drugs a lot. Wrote his heart out. Got paid for doing what he loved, writing. Gave a lot back to the society. Lived by his own rules. Lived rash. Lived with no regrets.
He set down the books and started rummaging in his closet for a cigarette. Buried underneath an old family photo, he found an old cigarette. He collapsed on the floor and lit the cigarette. He picked the family photo off the floor. He blew smoke all over the photo as he started to feel high again. His thoughts wandered to his parents. He hadn’t spoken to them in the last few weeks. His masterpiece would speak for him.
He was suddenly aware of the clock’s ticking. He got up with his half smoked cigarette and staggered towards the balcony. With a little struggle he opened the balcony door and walked into the moonlight. He breathed the warm humid air and walked to the balcony railing. He looked towards the moon and smiled hesitantly. His last book had been about a young boy who was stranded on a an island alone and who spent his nights talking to the moon and days writing to the moon. Critics and readers alike found the book too far fetched and the book tanked. His career followed suit. He finished his smoke and said to the moon softly, “You are and always have been a faithful friend. Watch over me tonight.” A strong breeze started to blow. He undid his shoes and with trembling hands grabbed the rails tight. “Courage and cowardice, small difference”, he thought.
The family photo, she picked it up and ran her hand over it. How tiny he looked in his school uniform. She sat down on his chair and was surprised to see a sheet of paper tucked under his copy of his fourth novel. She picked up the novel and hugged it. Curious, she reached out for the sheet of paper. Her hands trembled as she found his words on the paper. With tears blurring her eyes and her heart thumping hard, she started reading. She had been blinded by anger but now as she read his last story, her heart ached. It ached for him. She broke down and wept till she and her ache became one. It ached because of all the things that she had been proud of, he had been her masterpiece. Her son. Her everything.
I don’t know how to express my gratitude to you in words for everything you’ve done for me. I don’t even know where to start from or what all to thank you for. You have been much more than parents to me. Yes, I’ve been mad at you many times but what would I have done without you two. You stood by me through it all. Through all my whims and fancies. You never gave up on me no matter how much I fell. You were there to pick me up and convince me that this too shall pass. But it hasn’t. I’m dealing with too much disappointment. Too much burden. I am tired of waiting for the silver lining to appear behind the cloud. It isn’t there for me. This pain is unbearable. The pain of being disappointed. The pain of being a disappointment to you. The burden. It is unbearable. I’ve been trying to carry this weight around. I can’t. I’m not good enough. And that is something I cannot accept. I just can’t no matter what. I’ve pulled it along so long because of you two. I can’t anymore. One last act of selfishness. One last act of pain. I promise I’ll give you no more after this. No more disappointment. No more putting up with a loser of a child. I promise I will never ever let you down after this. This is the last one. The very last one.
Thank you for everything. Everything.
Mum, you are my strength. But I am your weakness. I am sorry for not being the son you wanted me to be. Not being as good enough as all those other kids. Not being the good kid that I should’ve been. Not leading the life that you wanted me to lead. I’m sorry. Sorry.
Dad, thank you for making all the nightmares go away. You are my hero. You are the one I look up to. I wish I had the strength like you do to face all the problems and challenges. I don’t have the strength to face the world. I don’t have it in me to push this along any further.
I can’t live with the fact that I can’t meet my eyes when I stare into the mirror. I am complex. I am fucked. I have been. A long time. I have been holding onto too many things. Broken dreams, broken heart, broken courage, broken confidence and a broken life.
It hurts. Breathing. Every breath is a burden. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. If you could understand the pain I am going through, you will not blame me or be angry or cry once I am through with what I am going to do.
I can feel it. The universe is rejecting me. It is rejecting everything I do. It is rejecting every step I am taking. It is rejecting my entire being. I am a burden on this universe just like my life is on me. Rejection. I have felt it all. Every sort of rejection possible. How does one live a rejected life?
Sometimes just sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if everything was right. Maybe I wouldn’t have been happy then too. Maybe that life would’ve disappointed me too. Maybe I am a dissatisfied soul. Wondering through lives never finding what it wants. Always pining for what it can’t get. Maybe I will wander through more such lives. A dissatisfied disappointed dejected soul. Maybe we will meet again. But I pray with all my heart that you never get stuck with a child like me again. Eternal disappointment. I wish you happiness and bliss. All of mine if I had any written down for me. All of mine from all my lives. You deserve it. You don’t deserve this pain I am going to inflict on you. Please forgive me. Forgive me as a broken hearted soul who will pay the price of redemption of your tears sometime. I promise it will get better. It will get better soon. Just know that I am doing this as a last resort. The very last one. The very last. I promise. I swear.
I haven’t said it enough times but I do love you two. You are the best gift the world gave me. The first and the last gift.
Please forgive me. Please. And never forget my love. Please forget everything else. Forget me. Forget the disappointment. Forget the pain.