Me and My Demons

Discover prompts daily blog, today’s word is “below”.

My friends often joke about how I’m always overdressed. Every day I try to dress up – wear something smart, do a little bit of makeup and accessorise! And even now in quarantine, I try to wear something nice everyday and do myself up. Anybody who sees me would agree that I’m extremely confident and put together. A lot of this confidence I derive from my dressing & looking presentable. Why? Why do I do this? I get asked this a lot!I really like fashion and I love looking presentable. But I think a lot of this is rooted in my insecurities. It’s taken some courage to decide to write about this, so I hope you’ll be patient with me.

I was the chubby kid while growing up, the chubby friend and the chubby sister. I got teased a lot from when I was a child till very recently. I’ve been bullied because of how I looked. For a large part of my late teens & early twenties, I was very underconfident and didn’t let people get too close because I was afraid of people. All these years I was pretty much a tomboy. And then I discovered fashion! I realised that I couldn’t hide my fat but atleast I could dress it up to look like pretty/presentable fat. Dressing up made me feel confident like I could achieve anything. It became my way to battle all the demons that still fostered inside me.

On the outside I’d be a presentable, confident person but way below that tough exterior – pushed down but still around were all the insecurities. Over the past two years, I’ve managed to shed most of my extra weight by working out and changing my lifestyle. And the outer confident exterior has grown stronger than the demons below but they’re still there always waiting for a weak moment to rear out their ugly heads. Most days I win the battle against them but there are still days when I end up curled up in bed giving into them and believing I’m still not good enough.

This has been kind of a dark post and is ofcourse very personal. But if someone out there is also struggling with their insecurities – you’re not alone, my friend. Keep pushing them below when they start to rise up and one day they’ll lose their power to rise ever again!

Loads of love!

Me over the years. The bottom right photo is the most recent.

15 Comments Add yours

  1. TheHiddenEdge says:

    Your post has struck a chord. I have the opposite problem, in that I am straight up and down, very androgynous and … well, resemble my dad. Not such a bad thing if you are a boy, not so great when you are a girl. I love my suits, my simple dresses, and high heels! Wear what makes you feel great.

    Like

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you! I hate how society forces us to conform to certain standards of looking. More power to you! ❤️

      Like

  2. Beautiful post and Kudos to your courage. And, you look beautiful in all your pictures. 🙂

    Like

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you so much! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. mterrazas32 says:

    Wow! Beautiful, your hardwork and dedication paid off. Thank for sharing that personal story.

    Like

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you 😊

      Like

  4. Lynh says:

    You are just enough, don’t let anybody even your own self tell you otherwise. Love your curly, fiery hair

    Like

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you so much! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. oneta hayes says:

    I admire you so much for the personal care and pride you show by being your best everyday even in quarantine times! Thank you for leaving me a like on Me A Teacher – Nah. Have a happy day. Dressing nice for it is a great way to start.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Silver Stone says:

    Aw, shame you had to go through that. I’m also glad you’ve overcome your insecurities by working hard and having determination. Hope everything’s fine now🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you so much! ❤️ It’s much better but insecurities are hard to put to complete rest.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. cheriewhite says:

    My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you felt.

    Your story sounds so much like mine! when I was in middle and high school! I was bullied horribly, for six long years! One of the things I did to feel better about myself was to dress like a fashionista!

    It was the 80s and clothes from Walmart weren’t good enough. I had to have clothes from the Mall! Stores like Cato, Hollywoods. Maurice’s Peebles and Dillard’s were my favorites!

    I had to get a job and get them with my own money. It definitely taught me responsibility and the value of hard work. So, I’m glad to have had the lesson in that!

    However, when I started dressing up, the bullying actually got worse and out of control, but the clothes did somewhat “buffer” my self-esteem from all the attacks.

    Thank you so much for this post! I thought I was the only one who did this!!! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you for sharing your story! ❤️
      I’m so sorry you were bullied. I hope you were able to put the trauma behind you. It took me a while.

      Liked by 1 person

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