Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as an “impostor”.
I’m sitting in bed, being all grouchy, not wanting to talk to anyone around me, avoiding my friend’s calls, mindlessly watching ‘The Middle’ and going through the notifications on here and then I see IT. IT sends me spiraling into a world of thoughts, analyzing myself, wondering if I really know who I am – IT gets me wondering if I am an imposter.
Am I an imposter?
It is no secret that I am still trying to find myself through all my mental health struggles that this crazy pandemic has set in. In the past 1 year I have changed personalities like 5 times, changing with every turn that this pandemic has taken. I believe there are a few underlying qualities that we developed when we were younger that don’t change through the ages but the rest of our personality traits keep changing, sometimes evolving and sometimes deteriorating. So who am I right now? What are my personality traits?
Far from the really nice comments and really sweet things that my blogging friends say about me (I don’t really know of the bad things people say about me on here – have you heard anything? Let me know in the comments!!!), I am a mixed bag of white and black (Yin and Yang). But let me try breaking down my character traits –
Traits that have remain unchanged through the many chapters of my life.
- Loving – I think this is a trait that doesn’t change. When I love, I love with all my heart. (But also when I hate, I hate with all my heart :D)
- Giving – I think I’m one of those people who just loves giving. Giving my time, my love, my things; just about anything that makes the other person happy. (Yeah, don’t ask me for a pony in the comments below. :P)
- Introvert – I don’t like opening up to people. I find it very hard to tell people about me even my family and friends need to pry stuff out of me. (But turns out I like writing about it :D)
- Social Anxiety – I do not like talking to new people – I just find it so hard to make small talk and just put an effort into conversing with someone new. (Every time I get a comment from someone new on here – I literally spiral)
- Egoistic – I do have an ego when it comes to asking for help or admitting that I am wrong.
- Bitchy – I’m not bitchy unless provoked. But my bitchy side is evil and scary – so beware!
- Funny- I’m not sure if I am really funny but I do try hard to be funny.
- Charming – Despite my many social misgivings, I can be very charming when I want to be. (I was a favourite with all my friends’ parents while growing up!)
- Competitive – I love winning and I am a very sore loser! (Yeah, I cry after every loss!)
These are traits that come and go according to the season in my story. I’ll highlight the ones I am currently.
- Anxious personality – Super anxious about everything. Even answering a call from an unknown number sends me spiraling.
- Overthinking – I spend hours making up scenarios in my head that are never going to happen but that end up triggering my anxiety.
- Unfriendly – Owing to my introvert nature, I am not the most friendly person as it is but in my off seasons I bite people’s head off if they try to be friendly with me
- Underconfident – I really lack confidence sometimes. I can pretend to be the most confident person but inside I just lack faith in my self.
- Seeking external approval – with under confidence comes the need for external approval from others. This happens very rarely but it does come and go.
- Flirty – haha, when I’m in the mood, I can be a really good flirt
- Loner – I really like being on my own some days. Like not see or talk to anyone for a few days. It helps recharge my internal social battery.
- Hate getting compliments – I just don’t. I can’t. I’m trying to accept them when I get them but I just don’t like them. (to know more read my post: Am I Weird?)
(*These are not all my traits – there’s more but I picked the more dominant ones.)
I keep getting the feeling that my blogging persona and my real persona don’t match mainly because people don’t get to see my grouchy side on here which makes me feel like an imposter. So here I am clearing the air so I stop feeling like an imposter every time someone says something nice to me on here.
What triggered all this? My really sweet friend Micah did a post comparing her blog friends (including me) to her house plants and it is one of the sweetest things I’ve read on here and it overwhelmed me so much that it triggered these crazy thoughts. (I love you, Micah!) If you aren’t following Micah & Markus – go follow them now!
What are some traits that are different between your blogging persona and your real self?
Listen, you seriously need to do this NOW, go read my latest posts (😛) –