I’ve spent a huge part of my life being insecure of who I am. I was a chubby kid and from a very young age I was made aware of how that was a HUGE flaw. From taunts from known ones to mean comments from strangers – I experienced them all. It would be wrong to say that I was never complimented but for every compliment I received, I received about 10 criticisms. I changed from an outgoing, friendly child to an introvert, closed off adult because I was scared of people judging me for how I looked. In my late teens to mid 20s – I was an insecure, underconfident person who was often jealous of all the beautiful women around me. In 2017-18, after a pretty bad break up, I was a mess. I binged ate and ignored the mirror to stop feeling bad about how I looked. I was 95kgs then.
Then something happened that made me want to change myself. My ex told me he was getting married and that day something just snapped inside of me. I decided to start taking care of myself and joined the gym. Over the next 8-9 months I went on to lose 30kgs and get into the best shape I had ever been as as adult. While the weight loss was great for my health, I also noticed how it made me change as a person. I became more outgoing because I was less afraid of people judging me. I talked to strangers, made more friends and overall felt so confident about myself. I still thought I was fat but the kind of fat that fits into society’s acceptable standards.
Then 2020 happened and slowly as the crisis took a toll on my mental health, I went back to my old friend – FOOD. I went back to the habit that I had fought so hard to beat – binge eating. Over the past year – I again started piling on weight. While I worked out all of 2020 (from home), I gave up in 2021. With my clothes getting tighter again, I started to feel my old habits come back – feeling ugly, under confident and wanting to shut myself off from the rest of the world.
As I struggled with my mental health and these feelings, I actually found inspiration in the place I was least expecting to – Instagram. I’ve been following a body positive influencer, Sakshi Sindwani, over the past few years and just seeing her positive content made me feel like working on myself and loving myself irrespective of the number on that damn weighing scale.
So over the past few months, I started this project, to find a way to accept these ‘so called’ flaws and love myself for who I am. What all this project entailed –
- Not seeing myself as only my weight
- Wearing whatever I wanted even if it made me feel fat (eg: sleeveless)
- Appreciating every woman’s beauty and seeing them as more than just their looks
- Rejecting anyone that makes me feel bad for how I look
- Faking confidence till I finally feel it
- If someone (known or unknown) jokes about my weight – let them know politely that it makes me uncomfortable
- Look at myself every single morning in the mirror and smile
- Take A LOT of selfies – on bad hair days, break out days, bloated days, good days
- Compliment other women, pick them up, cheer them on
- Try to be a healthy person – work out every day, eat right, don’t binge but also enjoy dessert or a glass of wine once a week
How I’ve been doing –
- I already feel this connection building with myself as I work on this project every day. I don’t see someone else’s beauty as a lack of my own but just as something to be appreciated. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways – we just need to have the right view to see it.
- A couple of times even if someone said that an outfit made me look fat, I still wore it out with confidence albeit fake confidence. (every time I feel underconfident in a great outfit which I think makes me look fat I just think of Sakshi and repeat the reels lyrics – “mama said that it was okay”)
- Experimenting with what I wear to try and move away from typical fashion and to find my own personal brand (shout out to my sister for encouraging this)
- I’ve had the hardest time accepting compliments especially about my looks (wrote a whole blog about it some time back) but I am trying to be better at accepting them and actually believing them.
- I’ve been working out diligently this month and eating right (other than weekends when I let myself chill for a meal or two). I’ve also gone vegan for multiple reasons (animal rights, environment, lactose intolerance, trying to see if it helps with acne etc.)
- I’ve started experimenting with make-up a little. I don’t wear a lot of make-up on a regular basis – just my trusted kajal and a lip colour. I’ve probably done a full face of make up like 7-8 times in my life. But I feel like applying a little bit of make-up makes me feel so good about myself – so I’ve been trying to do a light base make-up look whenever I go meet people. ( I am in no way saying that people need to wear make-up to be beautiful or feel good – but if it is something that you like and enjoy doing – then definitely go for it)
We are all made up of so much and yet, the world around us has been designed in such a way to focus on our flaws. The world tries to find flaws even in the most perfect person. But the world is made up of us and we should spark a change. Lets stop focusing on our own and others flaws. Lets look for a reason to appreciate someone else instead of bringing them down. And always always always love ourselves irrespective of how the world looks at us. Are you with me? 🙂
PS: OMG, I feel so so vulnerable and exposed after writing this
Give my other recent posts some love –
Happy Panda 
It takes courage to open yourself up like this—I assure you many others could not. (Now you get more practice at accepting compliments.)😊 I’ve battled my weight most of my life, so I know about the ups and downs. If you have “friends” that would tell you that you look heavy in some clothes, I question what kind of friends they are.
If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to look at all of the other positive qualities you have. Society puts way too much importance on appearance and not enough on the stuff that really matters. For example, do your friends see you as kind, funny, compassionate, supportive, etc.? That’s way more important.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Right? I hate how we are conditioned to pick flaws in others. I totally love the advice and it is something I’ve been trying to do more consciously as part of my healing – look for the good in those around me.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I was really really scared to put this out there but having hated myself just for a number on a scale, I am hoping that this helps some young adults not go through the same.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is so beautiful 🥺 I really enjoyed reading this. You are super strong and amazing, keep it up! 🤍🤍🤍🤍
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, love! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully 💖penned emotions so very frankly expressed !It speaks volumes of your strong personality!Keep up your courageous outlook to life!God bless you😊!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure 🙏🏾
LikeLike
Opening up on this space is a quality many good looking and skinny ladies may not perceive. It takes courage to speak about our flaws and accepting them. All fingers are not the same length but when they are bent all stand equal as we all are equal accepting each other’s flaws. Thanks for sharing such an inspirational post!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Beautifully said. I wish the world becomes a kinder place which is more accepting of all types of beauty. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Soo truee 🙂😊
LikeLike
This is full on 💯 goddess vibes girl! It doesn’t get more goddess like than this! I’m so sorry people have called you the F-word (I hate even saying the word it’s so toxic), and that people are still calling you that! F them ha!!! 🤣🤣 And keep doing what you’re doing! It’s not even about the weight loss, it’s about how good you feel. Such a journey, and you are such a leader 💖💖💖
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you so much, Libby! You already know I was SO apprehensive about putting this out here but here’s hoping that it helps even just 1 kid out there who reads this and feels better on their self journey. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes yes I’m certain it will! 😊😊😊
LikeLike
Moksha, thank you so much for shedding light on this and exposing yourself in a vulnerable way- I know it couldn’t have been easy.
I’ve also been struggling with my weight (more so with society’s expectation of what a post-baby body should look like) and I never take selfies or pictures, I’m very self-conscious. But you make some excellent points – do what makes you uncomfortable like wearing clothes you like but maybe you’re uncomfortable with what you think others are thinking of you and pushing yourself to take those pictures and selfies. Thus, we’re reteaching ourselves to love ourselves again. ❤️💕
Beautiful message!
LikeLiked by 2 people
It was really difficult to share this part of my journey but I really hope that it helps any young adults reading this.
I so get you. I don’t understand why there are generic rules for everyone – if someone wants to be size 0 – by all means go for it but if someone is happy in a larger size – again just let them be. If Kate Middleton wants to lose all her post baby weight instantly – good for her – but why put that pressure on everyone? Please don’t feel any pressure to fit into the society defined mould. You do you, girl! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw I thought you were BEAUTIFUL in all your pics where you were smiling! Your smile completely changes the vibe in your pics. Makes me completely believe that beauty comes from YOUR attitude and confidence. This is such a great post and thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Makes you relatable. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much. ❤️
It’s crazy how for most of my life I’ve not liked the me I saw in the mirror which made me so under confident. But yess, I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin.
LikeLike
You looked lovely in every pic! Especially that bday one..felt like you were glowing of all the happiness
This was so inspiring!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much, love! ❤️
LikeLike
Encouraging and valuable post! A lot of people struggle with insecurities(including myself), and sometimes it is just good to remind oneself that you are much more than your appearance. Your size shouldn’t define your self worth. Also people who make comments on someone’s weight are so inconsiderate, it doesn’t actually help.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I totally agree, even comments like – “you look so good because you’ve lost weight” – it’s something I’ve also done in the past and regret associating weight and beauty.
The world around us is designed to make us feel insecure, I hope we can spark a change.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup! No matter what people do they never look “good enough.”
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. We are on our own unique health journeys and you seem to have found a good path for you. Have you ever read The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor? It’s an incredible book!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ll definitely add that to my TBR. Thank you for the recommendation. ❤️
LikeLike
You’re welcome 😊
LikeLike
I don’t know why but most of us just love sitting on judgement. Why can’t we let people live. Caring,expressing concern is a need, judgement is certainly not. You have gone the right way ..
Loving yourself and all your flaws.
Beauty flows from the mind and best exhibited by confidence.
Stay blessed always.
🙏🌹🙏
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I totally agree – I don’t know why we sit judgement on other people without even knowing them.
LikeLike
This is beautiful, thank you so much for opening up to us. You are amazing❤.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable side of yourself. So many will relate…I know I do. You’re an inspiration. Keep believing in yourself!❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much, Faye. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re very welcome.
LikeLike
a brave and powerful for post. I hope there are teenagers and young adult women reading this.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s my hope too.
Thank you 😊
LikeLike
I think your beautiful in all your pictures, and if anyone ever made you feel otherwise I am sorry and they were dead wrong. Brave to speak out even when it makes you feel exposed. Lots of love from the UK x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much, Helen. ❤️
LikeLike
Such a beautiful and well written post- a post that many will relate too. I think starting a conversation surrounding this topic is such a vulnerable conversation to start but you do such a wonderful job on talking about your journey and experience that helps me (and probably many others) feel less alone.
To conclude, thank you for writing about this.
also you look beautiful in every single picture!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. ❤️
How have you been?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve been okay. I’m slowly getting out of this mental fog/ slump that I have found myself in these past couple months. But things are definitely starting to get better! Thank you for asking. ❤️
Hope your doing well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Back when I was a teenager, I had a huge acne problem! And I was overweight ( I still am though!) My teenage years went struggling with this appearance issue I had! I was living with a huge inferiority complex in my mind! I had the best of friends and family always supporting me, and yet I was tormented with my pimpled skin and my extra kilos!
But today I am so much comfortable with my scarred skin and my weight. I workout because I want to be healthy not because I am ashamed! I want my skin to be just hydrated and happy, rather than being flawless!
So all the best to you on your journey to accepting your flaws, and being the happy panda that you are!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for writing about this (and sharing it– that is never easy). This is something that I struggle with as well. I think all people struggle with feeling unconfident and low sometimes. It’s inspiring and motivating to see you get back up, and feel happier and healthier! ❤ 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought older me would be able to handle my insecurities much better but here’s hoping onward and upward. 🙂
I wish they had a self love class in school – probably something we all learn to do the hard way. ❤
LikeLike
Powerful post, Moksha💜 Brava! First of all, you are beautiful, always. We are our own worst critics. I know the voice in my head is, in the words of Dan Harris, an asshole. I love the power you’re sharing as you choose to confront this nonsense. So empowering! Thank you❤💫!
(And I so need that t-shirt!)
LikeLike
This is easily one of the best posts I’ve ever read.
All points to you.🙏🏻👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. Means a lot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! Yo Go girl! I can so relate to you! It really needs guts to write and talk about your flaws. I am an Introvert too. I was actually. Have started being a bit Ambivert last few months. It’s a positive change in me I can say. Have put-on some weight too due to wfh. And been getting criticism for that. I have also become very conscious about my skin and how I look. I eventually started using tons of products and makeup. But from last few months I have started accepting my flaws. I have learnt that we are made of both good and of flaws as well. That’s what make me the way I am. Every person habe some flaws. Some can be seen and some cannot be seen. No one is so perfect. And one need to accept this truth. Thank-you for writing this!! 💗
LikeLike
It takes a level of courage to come to a place of accepting our flaws.
I commend your friends for being so amazing and caring. You are beautiful inside out. Never doubt and I want to commend you for being vulnerable. You are a strong, tenacious and beautiful woman. I love you
LikeLike
My di looks so beautiful in all of the pictures. I’m happy that you shared this post with us. You are super strong and amazing!
LikeLike
love this Rue… you’re beautiful! 💖
LikeLike
You are already beautiful inside out 💗. Just believe in yourself. I am too mental health victim, when you are in its vicious cycle we tend to loose our confidence, but these are just phases. Remember no matter what others think of us , they themselves don’t know that they are not just body and mind ,but a soul too. You already know you are beautiful soul,this awareness it self is of the highest value then anything in this materialistic world. Trust me you are pure magic of this universe just discover your purpose. And see the repels of your magic will be felt way beyond your imagination.
LikeLike
Such a great blog Happy panda!!
I also wrote something like this recently, so I feel a connection with this blog.
Best wishes to you, keep shining
LikeLike