I’m someone who always has a lot of screenshots on their phone. While till a few years back my phone would be filled with screenshots of conversations or posts from Instagram, now they are filled with work-related screenshots. While clearing out my google photos I came across a bunch of screenshots fromFebruary 2019. Most of the screenshots were quotes about moving on and giving love another chance. I was nursing a bad heartbreak and considering giving dating a chance. These quotes used to give me so much hope.
With Valentine’s day around the corner, and being single, I’ve been thinking a lot about love. While I’m not big on Valentine’s Day (I think it is a corporate holiday created to make you spend money on useless stuff), I am big on celebrating love. I saw this video on Instagram just yesterday – wherein a couple of guys are standing on a street with a board that says ‘we’ll pay you $5 if you call someone and tell them that you love them’. One man calls his friend and another calls his mother – and their conversations are so cute and they make them feel so happy that they refuse the money. My heart was filled with so much warmth after seeing this and I decided that I’d message a few friends and my family and tell them ‘I love them’. But as I started to do it – I just found myself choking up. As much as I am an emotional person, I have stopped being vulnerable over the past few years. I’ve stopped showing emotions in front of people and this blog is probably the only place where I express them.
It probably sounds a little sad to read but for most of my life I was very expressive with my feelings and a few years back realized that the world and people around me saw that as a weakness. I was the kind of person who ended up crying in front of my project manager on my first job because I realized I had made a mistake in a project. No one else had realized it but I came clean to my manager and just realizing that I might be disappointing her made me tear up. Once I moved to a different city, every time I’d come visiting home and then leave to go back, I’d tear up at the airport saying goodbye to my family. But with time I realised that my vulnerability and general sensitivity was seen as my weakness. Obviously tearing up at work is something that one should avoid but even the people I interacted with, I felt like my vulnerability gave them power over me. And so I stopped being vulnerable with people. I still have a HUGE range of emotions but I process them when I’m alone at night.
As I went through those screenshots, I realized that I used to spend so much time thinking about love, pain and emotions. Now, it feels like those emotions got left behind in those screenshots. I don’t let myself dwelve too much on an emotion especially if that emotion is pain. I do process the emotions but faster and in a more mechanical way. This helps me recover from emotional setbacks faster.
I know this a very random post but as I sit here overthinking how difficult I found texting my best friend to tell her that I love her, I am amazed at how easy I find sharing my thoughts on here. I’ve lucky to have a found a kind community on here that makes me feel safe enough to share all my craziest thoughts. So thank you for being a part of that community and thank you reading all my random thoughts and still making sense of it.
I wanted to share the screenshots that started off this post –
To everybody that is struggling with baggage as I am, it is okay to be work in progress. Perfection is overrated. Take your time to find yourself and heal yourself. Heal yourself so that whatever beautiful is waiting for you in the future, isn’t hurt by your past baggage.
And to whoever needs to hear this today, I love you and I’m proud of you.
And if you are reading this right now, pick up your phone and text a friend or family member and tell them that you love them! ❤
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