If you’ve been following along on my dating journey, you probably know that I’m on an ongoing quest to find the love of my life. While the dream of falling in love is a significant dream for me, I’m also terrified of falling in love. In the past few years, every time I’ve come close to having feelings for someone and having them reciprocated, it has always freaked me out. The idea of finding love terrifies me. Why?
Losing The One I Love
These beautiful words by Beau Taplin explain my fears exactly. I’ve lost love before and just barely managed to pull it along after. The idea of finding someone I love more than anything and eventually losing them really scares me a lot. Losing them to death or to life is just a very scary thought. I’d rather be alone than feel that kind of pain. I can’t imagine coping with that kind of loss again.
The last time I was in love, I totally lost myself in his persona and his life. I hated who it made me – an insecure, mean, needy person. I’d schedule my life around his, constantly want to spend time with him, not spend time with my own friends and family, etc. Argh. I’ve worked very hard on becoming a version of myself that I really like but fear that I might lose myself again if I fall in love. Now as soon as I start getting attached to someone – I run away.
Losing My Me Time
I honestly feel suffocated when someone I start seeing expects me to talk to them all the time and spend all my free time with them. My ‘me time’ every day is super sacred to me and I really need it to recharge. I just don’t want to lose out on my way of living or have to change my life too much to accommodate someone else as much as I may love spending time with them. I also always start going that extra mile when I start liking someone – trying to do more and more so that they know how I feel and I hate that. I, also, really like being on my own and actually enjoy being single.
I’m sure when I find the right one, these fears will slowly melt away, and maybe (just maybe) they are saving me from all the wrong ones I’m meeting right now. But I am honestly terrified of falling in love at the moment.
How did you cope with falling in love again after a heartbreak?
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