If you’ve been following along on my dating journey, you probably know that I’m on an ongoing quest to find the love of my life. While the dream of falling in love is a significant dream for me, I’m also terrified of falling in love. In the past few years, every time I’ve come close to having feelings for someone and having them reciprocated, it has always freaked me out. The idea of finding love terrifies me. Why?
Losing The One I Love
These beautiful words by Beau Taplin explain my fears exactly. I’ve lost love before and just barely managed to pull it along after. The idea of finding someone I love more than anything and eventually losing them really scares me a lot. Losing them to death or to life is just a very scary thought. I’d rather be alone than feel that kind of pain. I can’t imagine coping with that kind of loss again.
The last time I was in love, I totally lost myself in his persona and his life. I hated who it made me – an insecure, mean, needy person. I’d schedule my life around his, constantly want to spend time with him, not spend time with my own friends and family, etc. Argh. I’ve worked very hard on becoming a version of myself that I really like but fear that I might lose myself again if I fall in love. Now as soon as I start getting attached to someone – I run away.
Losing My Me Time
I honestly feel suffocated when someone I start seeing expects me to talk to them all the time and spend all my free time with them. My ‘me time’ every day is super sacred to me and I really need it to recharge. I just don’t want to lose out on my way of living or have to change my life too much to accommodate someone else as much as I may love spending time with them. I also always start going that extra mile when I start liking someone – trying to do more and more so that they know how I feel and I hate that. I, also, really like being on my own and actually enjoy being single.
I’m sure when I find the right one, these fears will slowly melt away, and maybe (just maybe) they are saving me from all the wrong ones I’m meeting right now. But I am honestly terrified of falling in love at the moment.
How did you cope with falling in love again after a heartbreak?
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Then i guess you have the same issues as my cousin Myra. She is drop dead gorgeous, a career woman and she is 35 years old! She is 4 yrs older then me… yet.. she never talks about love or marriage. On her free time she plays video games instead.
But I do heard she started seeing a therapist and somehow she got herself ibto dating life but! She told all the men she dated that she is a non-commital woman. If they want love she gives, but if they proposes she leaves.
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I have had the same fears about falling in love. I must say though, I learned a lot about Me Time from sharing a small apartment with my Mum (and soon my Dad will move in). It was tough at first, but at least Mum has been amenable to my boundaries. I feel like that’s the most important thing. If someone respects your boundaries, you know they will respect other things about you down the road
My perspective comes from the male point of view. I think it’s important to always maintain one’s own identity. in other words, you each have your own lives and your lives together. I think that’s important, otherwise, you find yourself obsessing about the other person too much.
Like you, I don’t like feeling needy or insecure. When I was dating (my wife and I will be celebrating 36 years together next month), I realized the time apart was what made the times together more special. Women that have their own passions and interests, even if they aren’t the same as mine, are more interesting. I think the women I tended to avoid were the needy ones, always having to know where I was and who I was with. Relationships have to be built on trust.
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I think we learn best through trial and error, and not by avoiding making mistakes.
When I had my first heartbreak, I was very bitter. But after a while, I sat down and analyzed a couple of things and realized how I also contributed to the wreck in the relationship. It helped me become a better person. I avoided dating a person with qualities that are not healthy for me and I avoided the mistakes I made in my first relationship.
So I think you should not be afraid to date but just make your next choice based on the lessons of your past.
These are all definitely very valid – and it’s great you’re working through your feelings! Wishing you all the best, I’m sure you’ll find the right person soon! ❤
It’s okay not to chase love or a relationship. If finding love is a terrifying idea, that may show other areas which need to be looked at. I experience some of these feelings too, but I know the areas I need to work on in my life and am quietly doing the work. We don’t need to rush the process, it needs time to go through its process. In the meanwhile, it’s okay to keep just plugging away at life. We don’t need to force or rush our inner process because we want to be in a love relationship, that would spell disaster, for even the right person for us would be pushed away!
A happy relationship is the one in which each partner acknowledges the need of the other and yet retains tthe freedom to maintain his/ her individuality.
I am sure someone who loves you will understand the need of originality and ‘me’ time in your life. He will not load you with his expectations.
Anxiety is natural but one got to work around it.
God bless you🌹🙏🌹
i heard a quote on a movie i saw. women run until the catch the man they want. love is after all, a four letter word. be yourself cos there is literally no one else such as yourself.
Yes I hear you on this. I think I avoided love for YEARS and instead had lots of silly crushes that I took seriously but maybe deep down I knew weren’t really meant to go very deep. Then I finally got tired of not experiencing real love and felt like you know what? Even if this ruins me, I need and want to experience this. So I went for it! And just like the quote said, it ended in pain. However, I have zero regrets about it and it completely changed me for the better and changed my heart for the better. So I def recommend it. But it’s true, you almost need to go into it knowing there might be pain. Which is absolute madness it’s true!!! 🤣🤣
Love is like a double sided coin. As beautiful as it can be, it is accompanied with pain.
I’m no expert at love but what I’ve learnt from my cousin’s sister’s successful relationship is never to force it. Work on yourself first and whenever you’re mentally, physically and emotionally ready to face the challenges that come with loving someone, don’t stop yourself from experiencing one of the most beautiful thing. Go for it.
My biggest fear is losing my “me time” as well. That and ending up with an awful person and then having to deal with all that crap that comes along with dating crappy people. I’m also scared of finding the right person and messing it up. I’m scared of a lot of stuff I guess lol 😭
Due to several bad experiences you feel this was now. I agree with losing me-time and personal space thing. I also, agree with people changing themselves according to others. Couples needs to balance this and needs to respect privacy and space of each other. I wish you the best M.
It is something that most of us think about as most of us are in relationships or wanting to be in a relationship! Finding that balance of me time versus us time is harder for some people who are needy or emotionally insecure in their self worth or identity. Sometimes though love is mistaken for familiarity in long term relationship. Overall, respect is paramount. Respect for the other person’s wishes. Relationships and marriages are something that requires effort every single day.
(((Hugs))) to you! Those fears are normal I would say. Especially the fear of losing your loved one. So sorry it happened to you before. Unfortunately falling in love opens up our hearts to great pain as well as indescribable joy! I look at my bestie who watched her husband of over 20 years die and now she recently remarried. That took courage to open her heart again but to see the joy in her eyes and heart now makes me so happy!
Me time is very important! I still find times to be alone and so does my husband. It keeps a marriage healthy!
I can totally understand your trepidation. When I met my husband after 10 years of being totally single (no connection lasting longer than a few weeks), I was scared of losing myself again. I had built such a great life: bought my own place, active in my volunteer work, enjoyed time with my sisters and friends and had plenty of hobbies including studying to learn another language! I had a full life and I just wanted to add someone to it not to replace anything in my life with him… but life takes hold and you slowly blend your lives together… soon there is less time for everything and anything and you tend to choose how you spend your time wisely…. I think you will find your groove when the time comes! 🙂
Therapy helps. Also, ask yourself which you prefer–your present state or the possibility of a loving relationship? Is it worth the risk? (My answer is yes.) If marriage is a goal but losing autonomy and space is a big issue for you, consider to live in separate households. I’ve been reading about more couples doing this, though most are in later years. An open heart can fit in more love.
Happens with a lot of people. I always keep in mind a dialogue from King Lear.
“Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave
My heart into my mouth. I love your majesty
According to my bond, no more nor less. ”
Love neither more nor less than you should, is my philosophy 🙂
And hope you find the right guy 🙂