Blank Noise – Inner Working of an Anxious Mind

Do you ever have those moments when you have a lot that you want to say but nothing comes out of your mouth when you try to say those things out loud? Blank noise. I have so many thoughts whizzing around in my head as I write this post but none coherent enough to make a whole post. I have been avoiding writing here for the sake of writing but the truth is I need to write to feel sane. What has been happening?

  • My grandfather was due for minor surgery last week. The hospital we took him to, (supposedly one of the best private hospitals in India) fucked up big time, and his heart and lungs were impacted. We rushed him to another hospital where he was in the ICU for the last few days. They were able to stabilize his vitals but the damage done by the other hospital is irreversible. We got him home yesterday but he is still very weak. Out of my 4 grandparents, I’ve always been closest with my grandfather. I always felt out of place as a chubby kid, but he always made me feel safe and loved. He often said I was his favourite grandchild and I always loved that we had a special bond. I don’t want him to be in pain but I also am not ready to say goodbye yet.
  • There is so much hate in the world that it is just disturbing. Starting with the hate Halle Bailey is getting for playing Ariel in the new Little Mermaid movie – COME ON. The move does make me feel like Disney is trying TOO hard to compensate for their lack of diversity and honestly, it would be more logical to have a set of new movies/stories to correct their mistakes. But to hate on Halle – is just downright mean. The happenings in Iran come to mind next. Why is there so much hate for women? Is the oppression against women never going to end? From around the world to India. I run a sustainable brand and use our social media to promote a more sustainable lifestyle. I posted a few days back about how bursting crackers on Diwali is bad for the environment and should be stopped. I legit got so much hate from some fanatic Hindus, who claimed that I am being Hinduphobic by targeting their celebration. (There were no fire crackers when Ram returned to Ayodhya. It is a modern day addition. And yes, I am Hindu too.) It was downright scary. The hate politics going on in India has led to the creation of mindless fanaticism in both Hinduism and Islam – and is scary to see where it is heading.
One of the messages I received.
  • I need a vacation so bad. I just need to disappear somewhere for a few days. I haven’t booked anything keeping in mind my grandfather’s health. But maybe end of the year, once he is better, I can finally plan that solo trip.
  • My birthday is coming up and I think for the first time in my life, I am completely unexcited about it. I’ve always loved having a whole day celebrating myself but this year, I just don’t want it to come. I am too overwhelmed by the fact I haven’t done much in the last year. Time is just running.
  • As much as I want to do more, I constantly feel limited by my abilities and then crawl into my bad and try to ignore everything by sleeping it off.

I am going to work towards changing things and improving things but this year has been a total crap fest. How has your 2022 been?

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. Doer Mindset says:

    Very sad to hear about your grandfather!! I wish he feels better soon.
    I don’t either understand what is going on in this world!! Everything is going crazy!! What happened in Iran definitely shook me. It is not the first time, I hear about crime against women for silly reasons, but every time I hear about one I got filled with anger. In some area in the middle east, those crime are forgiven by giving them a reason of morals!! Thats bullshit, too much hate and oppression against women.
    I guess you need to take a moment off and celebrate your birthday! you need an energy re-boost after everything. Too much of negative vibes, a positivity will do you good.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The world is definitely on its way to hell in a handcart, and worse, is that there seems no way to stop it…

    Like

  3. Sorry to hear about your grandfather
    I’m with you on the Diwali crackers. It actually ruined our memories of Varnasi. Maggie

    Liked by 1 person

  4. petespringerauthor says:

    So sorry to hear about your grandfather. When something terrible happens to one of my loved ones, it feels like it throws everything out of balance, and I’m not myself. It sounds like a similar thing is happening to you.

    Yes, there is far too much hate in the world, and people feel empowered to say just about anything these days. Others feel emboldened when we don’t call out this intolerable behavior for what it is (racist and narrow-minded). One of the reasons blogging has appealed to me more than most other forms of social media is because there seems to be far less hate here.

    I was unaware of the Halle Berre situation, but it certainly sounds like people are being critical of the wrong person.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jay B Hughes says:

    Best wishes for your grandfather and your whole family. It sounds like a very scary and difficult situation.

    Like

  6. Juliette says:

    I’m so sad to hear you feel this way and I am really sorry for your grandpa. I hope his health improve. Also, the fact that those haters have targeted you doesn’t mean anything negative about you or your brand, it is actually a sign that you ARE changing things, and some people just can’t deal with it. I know it can be hard to go past thi, especially since people can get pretty violent on the internet, but rest assured that you are changing things for the better!
    For the rest well, I completely feel you and the state of the world is just really depressing at the moment… I’ve read a post on Instagram recently that said it was okay to stop “consuming content” some times, and it can be really beneficial, so I hope you take care of yourself and I’m sure things will slowly get better. Don’t hesitate to reach out to people close to you or professionals too, that can greatly help! Sending you lots of love and warmth xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LaShelle says:

    I’m so sorry about the health of your grandfather. I was really close to my grandfather too and life without them isn’t the same.
    I’m a natural redhead who was bullied for being a natural redhead. When little mermaid came out, it made me feel absolutely incredible to be in my own skin. So while I feel 0 hate for anyone… I get why people are in in arms about it. I also recently discovered that there are black women who are natural redheads too. It’s rare but it does happen. I didn’t know that before! Hopefully once the movie is out, opinions will die down.
    The political climate of almost every country is extremely murky right now. More than ever we have to watch what we say. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but we live in a dangerous world where people hide their hatred in person yet openly flaunt it online.

    In my gut, I think everyone is headed towards a civil war or another world war. All we can do is focus on what we can control and nothing more.

    The sleeping a lot bit in your post sound like depression. You’ve had a ton of things going on. It’s normal to feel the way you do. Just be sure you’re not “living” in that moment. Put a time limit on how deeply you’re allowed to feel the way you’re feeling and then move your body into doing something more productive. It’s the only thing that helps me improve. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/ says:

    Girl, You have a LOT going on, and you’ve had it coming at you fast and furious for a while. Seriously. Time to gear down and honor your physical and mental health. The emotional stresses are huge right now, and the sign that you have swirling thoughts and can’t express them coherently? A huge red flag!

    Wanting to just curl up and sleep is a symptom of depression, and it may sound counter-intuitive, but actually getting more sleep every night can be very beneficial.

    Seriously, I’d think about adding a couple of hours of sleep to your daily routine by going to bed much earlier than normal. Take whatever herbs and tea you need to relax in the evenings to prepare for winding down!

    As afar as your business, I’d suggest scaling your efforts back somewhat so you complete what is NECESSARY, but all the want-to-do’s… let them go for a little bit. If you’re getting negative pushback from posts, I’d suggest backing off from them too for a bit, because sounds like you just don’t have the bandwidth to do it all!

    Non-stop thoughts about the business? Keep a bullet journal – you can create different sections for different categories – marketing, sales, staffing needs etc. Your brain is trying to problem-solve by shoving thoughts at you fast and furiously! Honor your mind’s wishes to problem solve by writing down the ideas, TO BE DEALT WITH LATER!

    I’m so sorry for what happened to your Grandpa, that’s very stressful for the whole family, particularly since he was always your safe person.

    PS, I have a post scheduled to come out tomorrow morning (my time) which may be very timely for you, regarding expectations, setting limits and what we can do. (I may have had you in mind a couple of times as I was writing!(

    Take care my friend! Sending positive thougths to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Devangi says:

    Hoping that your grandfather gets well soon! I was devastated when mine left so I know the trauma you must be going through, it’s always tough to see our loved especially the ones dearest to us in pain. Also, it’s so saddening that you were attacked like that, only for speaking what a rational being would say. I am a Hindu too but ever since I learnt about pollution at 12, we’ve stopped bursting firecrackers. Kudos to you for calling out on the wrongdoing! About the Iranian issue, it’s just tiring at this point seeing women struggle to live a normal life even in this modern era. It seems you’ve been clouded by gloomy days, be hopeful dear, for this time shall pass, alsoo it’s alright to feel that time is running out when you’re an adult with so much happening around you. Have I ever told you that I’m inspired how you are handling your business and going through those hurdles? Someday, I wish to be as strong and independent as you. Hope this gives you room for some brightness:)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sending you a hug and A + for honesty Ru!
    Sorry about your grandpa!
    You’re better birthday might just be a day of respite and taking some time for you I hope!!💕❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Amanda says:

    I am shocked and dismayed that people would waste energy on such negative actions as hate messages to you. Be strong and know that these people are venting against your opinons, not you personally. They use words they know will trigger you. So don’t let them have the satisfaction of knowing they achieved it.

    The blogger platforms are for free speech and we may not agree with everything everyone says but we have the right to choose whether to scroll past or become incensed. I hope most people choose the former.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. “Speak the truth loud. Speak it again and again.”

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hey M, ugh sorry it sounds like you’re in such a rough spot 🖤 Firstly, I’m sending love and health to your grandfather and I so appreciate the sweet things you said about your relationship with him. To answer your question about why people hate women so much I think it comes down to fear and nothing else. They fear a woman’s power and they fear losing their own. Because women are forces when unleashed and everyone knows it. Women are forces even when not unleashed! And everyone knows that too 🤣 I can’t believe that hate text omg. That would scare the shit out of me too and sorry you received that, Jesus. All I can say is hang in there sister. This too shall pass, I know it. 🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  14. bosssybabe says:

    My God people on the internet can be so cruel… what gives!?! Drives me nuts how uncaring and despicable ppl can be!!! So sorry that you received that and similar messages…. and so sorry that things are still unstable with your grandfather’s health. Hopefully things calm down for you soon and you get that much needed break!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hallie Orton says:

    Love this!! I post similar content, feel free to check my page out. 🙂

    Like

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