Why Am I Scared?

Fear (n): an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

Similar: Terror, Fright, Horror, Alarm, Panic, Distress, Anxiety, Unrest

Photo by Keenan Constance on Pexels.com

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder a few years back and I have been working on improving my mental health but it’s been more challenging in the last few weeks. As I mentioned in an old post, the year started with a pretty bad fight with my dad and as much as I’ve tried to get past it, some things were said that hurt me a lot, and even writing about it has me tearing up. I have had plenty of fights with my parents throughout my life but this one felt extremely personal. It has sent me down a spiral of self-doubt, underconfidence, depression, and anxiety.

For those who don’t know, I moved back home 2 years back to save money while I worked on setting up my business. It hasn’t been great for my anxiety since I don’t feel like I have a safe space to escape to that is just mine. I haven’t been sleeping well, I stay up till late unable to shut off my brain. So my first goal for 2023 is to move out in the first half of this year. My parents are amazing parents and have been extremely supportive but the generation gap makes it difficult for us to understand each other. I am not planning to move out because I am mad, I just feel like it will be better for our relationship if we all have our space. Although I know when I broach this subject, it is going to be an extremely messy discussion – another thing that is adding to my anxiety.

I have been reconnecting with a lot of friends over the last 2 months since I had cut off from a lot of them over the past 2 years. I just feel like in my head I have so many walls that I find it hard to talk to any of them about what goes on in my head. It isn’t a “them problem” but is a “me problem”. But I have been trying to be more vulnerable with my close friends. Last night I knew a friend was feeling meh, so we got on a video call and watched YouTube videos together till we both were half asleep. He also felt better and I felt good knowing I could be there for him.

Written by Freddy Birdy

I have also been putting myself out there and going for networking events every few weeks. It is a great way to meet other business owners as well other people who can help me with work. But every time I attend such an event I feel like such an imposter, I really don’t know why. I have honestly slogged a lot for most of my life to get into the best engineering college and B-school in India and worked with a BIG American bank and a big 4 company and now single-handedly run my own business and yet, I feel like I have achieved nothing when I meet people. I literally find myself feeling like I don’t belong with high-achieving people.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

I have been doing fun things to do on the weekend to keep me busy as well as get some time out in the sun. Over the last 2 months, I have explored 7-8 historical places across Delhi (read about them here) and also, ended up meeting new people who are into exploring the cultural side of Delhi. It has been fun to be a tourist in my own city and something I recommend to all those who aren’t able to travel. Just Google ‘offbeat things to do in xxx’ or ‘hidden gems for tourists in xx’ and start exploring your own city. For all those in Delhi, joining a guided walking tour over the weekend is also a fun way to rediscover your city. (Tours offered by INTACH, City Tales, Enroute Indian History, Delhi By Cycle, and many other pages that you can find on IG.)

Eg: Delhi

And even though I don’t believe in celebrating Valentine’s Day, the fact that I am STILL alone around this time when everyone is flaunting their love on social media has me feeling ARGHH and unloved. It is a totally different thing that I haven’t gone on a date in 3 months. I just can’t convince myself to put in the effort to go meet people. I had a date planned for Saturday night with a guy that I have bailed on twice before and I bailed again. (I apologized to him A LOT) I just couldn’t convince myself. I am a walking paradox. I mean I know it is largely because I’m not over that last date I went on and it scares me that if I am finding it so hard to get over someone I knew for a few weeks, then just how much worse will it be if I have to get over something longer.

Photo by Natalie Bond on Pexels.com

Overall mentally I have been in a very dark space which is why I haven’t been very active on here. I’ve been avoiding writing about what I’m feeling because I feel like I vent in so many posts, most of my readers must think I’m a total crybaby. But while I’ve been posting about all the fun things that I’ve been up to, my brain has been in a dark place. Reading Pooja’s post made me feel like it was okay to post this on here.

Fear has been controlling a large part of my life in 2023. I am working on breaking free of the shackles that fear has me in. Hopefully in the next few months, I’ll have a post that will have a lot of positive updates. But for now, this is me trying to cope with my fears and anxiety. If you are struggling too, sending you warm hugs and strength. You are not alone!

What I’ve been listening to

Follow me as I rediscover Delhi on Instagram.

If you haven’t already, check out my other recent posts:

17 Comments Add yours

  1. Real Life Me says:

    You’re not alone, Happy Panda. And remember: this space is for you to write the truth, as much as anything else. Your followers value your thoughts, positive or negative, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Especially if it helps. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Totally agree…you’re not alone. ❤️


    2. Happy Panda says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Means a lot! ❤️
      PS: I can’t seem to access your blog – please share a link?


  2. Pooja G says:

    Thanks for linking my post and I am happy it made you feel more open to sharing this post. It’s always okay to talk about the bad stuff with the good stuff. We are so used to only seeing the highlights of everyones life online that we can sometimes forget that we all have bad days. And sometimes life is just difficult and messy and that’s okay. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder too so I really understand what you’ve been going through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/ says:

    I see a few things here that are red flags, and I can understand how and why your anxiety levels are over the moon right now.

    1) Your parents are probably very good people (I don’t know them), BUT since you have cut yourself off from many friends in the past 2 years since moving back with your parents, shows you aren’t feeling free to live your authentic self with them. Good for you for reconnecting with your friends! You need to re-discover what makes you, well you, apart from who you are as your parent’s daughter.

    2) The imposter syndrome after having accomplished many difficult levels in life: This happens when we compare ourselves to others, and when we compare our current situation to past experiences. The fact that you moved back to live with your parents to save on money only subconsciously adds to this feeling because you aren’t living independently, from the fruits of your hard work.

    3) Not clearing the air with your dad. This creates all sorts of scenarios that tend to play out in an anxious brain. If you don’t feel comfortable having a heart-to-heart talk with him while you are living under his roof, then I suggest planning on doing it after you move out and are settled into your new space.

    4) Dating men: It may feel difficult to show yourself as an accomplished woman to a potential date when you are struggling with your identity in your parent’s home

    It sounds like you’re going through the growing pains of having outgrown your present living space, and the need to move into your own space where you can express who you are, and give yourself the space to grow into the person you wish to become. Sounds like you are being squeezed out of the cocoon you have been in, and your new wings are getting strengthened!


  4. utahan15 says:

    not everyone is flaunting love
    trust me


  5. The IG posts are wonderful..capturing Delhi 👌👌

    Liked by 1 person

  6. petespringerauthor says:

    I could comment on a lot of wonderful aspects of this post, Moksha, but instead, I’ll concentrate on just three.

    1. I did the “move back home with the parents thing” when I was young. They were great people, but once we’ve tasted independence (at least for me), it was hard to return to someone who felt like he had to justify his decisions to other adults. Few things are more empowering than getting out of our comfort zones to face a challenge. The fact that you are expanding your horizons is impressive! When I’m around people who seem to have climbed every mountain, I try not to compare myself to them. Instead, I focus on my self-improvement.

    3. “I feel like I vent in so many posts, most of my readers must think I’m a total crybaby.” I don’t believe this to be true. When someone shares their vulnerabilities, I think of them with greater respect than less. It takes courage to do that so publicly.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. BabyFunbo says:

    I hope you feel better.
    Just know that you have a safe space here on WordPress.


  8. Juliette says:

    I am so sorry to read that you are struggling lately. Living with your parents can be very draining, regardless of the types of parents, so maybe you will feel better when you feel like you have a safe space to be yourself in. Feeling like an impostor is also tough to navigate, but you can be incredibly proud of you for going to these events, putting yourself out there and, of course, for everything else that you’ve achieved! I hope you feel better soon!


  9. Good luck with moving to your ow place and I do brace you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing
    You have done so well for yourself and it’s normal to feel inadequate but must know that you also belong there and you are well. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The Reels on IG are doing so well. Great work


  10. Reaseaorg says:

    Can relate to this well, being a single adult around Valentine’s Day. Sorry to hear about the relationship with your dad and your anxiety. This can’t be easy to deal with so I wish you the best 🙂


  11. TCKlaire says:

    Sometimes, our lizard brain can get involved when it’s not wanted! Good luck with moving out. I love how you’ve been exploring Delhi as a way to help yourself. Hang in there ❤


  12. Don’t feel scared, bro! 💪
    Aisa jeena bhi kya jeena hai.🔥🔥

    Like, horror movies dekh ke toh mujhe bhi darr lagta hai.
    But saari chijon se agar hum darne lagenge toh humari “life” toh bachegi nhi na.

    Vaise bhi, Aap smile krte hue jyada achchi lagti hai.😁


    1. I hope you’re enjoying your regular sleep (writes at 11:38 pm).


  13. joyroses13 says:

    You are NOT a crybaby, you are someone with a tender heart who is honestly seeking help and I admire your ability to be real! Being genuine and sharing our vulnersble side can be hard, but so much better than being fake. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. ❤❤


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